Seeing into the future (or womb)

We (the baby and me) had our ultrasound last week amid the holiday rush. Matt was there too. The kids were home with a babysitter. I love the ultrasound experience. About the time when I start really feeling bustlings inside me, I get to watch them on screen too. This time we got an especially great view of the heart, all four chambers, valves etc. And we saw a cute face, fingers, toes, spine, brain, legs and elbows. All the essentials. Then we looked down under.

And what to our wondering eyes should appear but a little girl waiting to bolster the estrogen around here! We were kind of thinking girl. And I'll admit that I was thinking a little less kamikaze-like boyishness would be helpful to my nerves (and my house's walls).

Parenthetically, when Matt got home from the doctor (where I was still waiting to talk to the midwife) to work from the house, the kids asked "Where have you been anyway?" But they never asked if they would be having a brother and sister. They finally caught on and when I got home we told them. The girls cheered; Scott looked confused and then crestfallen. Then his little lip quivered and he looked really sad. He asked "Why didn't Heavenly Father want to make it a boy?" We assured him that maybe He would send a boy next time. (Oh dear.)

So now we are in the baby name list-making stage. So if you've got any good ideas. . .

Baby spirits

After Scott's surgery, I was holding him as he slept off his anesthesia. He was in a bit of pain and not entirely happy. But for the moment he was sleeping. As I rested, I could feel his heart beating on my stomach. I thought about when I could hear my new baby's heartbeat emmanating from the same place. What happy thoughts and feelings.

My mind flitted to surgery. I wondered if Scott's angel Grandpa was perhaps with him through surgery. It made me happy to think that. Just then, under Scott's leg, I felt a strong kick and movement that lasted several minutes. I haven't felt the baby move like that ever. The thought occured to me that maybe Scott's little brother or sister was there with him instead. It seemed right.

Who knows? Maybe those we guard through life were guarding us first.

Dreams

I dreamed a dream in days gone by (last night)
That hope was high
And life worth living (I had my baby without any pain)
I dreamed that love would never die (I was in a hospital room that looked like a bathroom and had the same goldish linoleum as my Mom's bathroom, speak of love never dying)
I dreamed that God would be forgiving (I was giving birth in a bathroom remember)


Then I was young and unafraid (I had no husband there and no doctor)
And dreams were made and used and wasted (like the strip of toilet paper the janitor draped over the drawers to keep things clean)
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted (hmmm, I don't drink wine, just whine)


But the tigers come at night (It was day acutally)
With their voices soft as thunder (the nice janitor girl mopping the floor with my old blue mop was pretty nice)
As they tear your hope apart (I realized I was already having the baby, half of her was out, the bottom half. She was reaching her hands onto my tummy and patting her still un-birthed head)
And they turn your dream to shame (I'm ashamed I just admitted that freaky part of my dream)


He slept a night by my side (Actually it was a girl baby and she was just fine after one nice, painless push)
(S)he filled my days with endless wonder (Babies do that)
(S)he took my childhood in (her) stride
But (s)he was gone when autumn came (She turned to a boy at the end of my dream)

And still I dream (s)he'll come to me (I really want a painless birth)
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be (Thank heavens this is one of them)
And there are storms we cannot weather (Like next Monday it is supposed to be a high of 32)

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this birth I'm living (painless is the key)
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. (I'll still be happy even with a little, or a lot, of pain if it only takes one push :-)

Still a little sick

I think I've been feeling sicker with this baby. I have been having a sour stomach again, nothing sounds good to eat. Blah.

Especially
1. pumpkin cookies, and I LOVE pumpkin cookies
2. pizza
3. cereal
4. dinner

Maybe this means a girl.

Wonder of Wonders

My sweet Scott was all scheduled to have surgery last Thursday. We got up early and trekked southward to the hospital. Scott was nervous and tired and thirsty. We spent an hour-and-a-half there before deciding to wait 2 weeks to let his tonsils shrink and his throat un-swell to accommodate the trach tube. We got in the car and headed north again.

It was pretty quiet on the way home. Scott wasn't asleep though. We had talked for a while, and I'd ascertained that he was glad the day of reckoning was delayed. As we drove along in the too quiet car, I decided to put on some music. We happened to have Fiddler on the Roof in the cd player. Scott is in love with that cd. He especially likes the song Wonder of Wonders. So I turned it on and fast forwarded to track 6. "It was a miracle," it started. Scott immediately perked up, smiled, and started singing along. I immediately started smiling too.

We listened to it again.

And again.

We talked about the miracles in the song. I thought about the miracles in my life. I thought about him, his desires, his loves, his less than sweet habits, his possibilities. I know I can't give him everything, but I can give him a smile. And in that moment when I saw him smile, I was as happy as I could be. I was full. In giving him happiness, my happiness was complete. I realized (again) just what a miracle and blessing parenthood is.

And as the song ended "But the most miraculous thing of all. . .God has given you to me," I agreed. Scott, and my other kids and my growing baby are the most miraculous things of all my life and I am so happy that God has given them to me.