Dreams

I dreamed a dream in days gone by (last night)
That hope was high
And life worth living (I had my baby without any pain)
I dreamed that love would never die (I was in a hospital room that looked like a bathroom and had the same goldish linoleum as my Mom's bathroom, speak of love never dying)
I dreamed that God would be forgiving (I was giving birth in a bathroom remember)


Then I was young and unafraid (I had no husband there and no doctor)
And dreams were made and used and wasted (like the strip of toilet paper the janitor draped over the drawers to keep things clean)
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted (hmmm, I don't drink wine, just whine)


But the tigers come at night (It was day acutally)
With their voices soft as thunder (the nice janitor girl mopping the floor with my old blue mop was pretty nice)
As they tear your hope apart (I realized I was already having the baby, half of her was out, the bottom half. She was reaching her hands onto my tummy and patting her still un-birthed head)
And they turn your dream to shame (I'm ashamed I just admitted that freaky part of my dream)


He slept a night by my side (Actually it was a girl baby and she was just fine after one nice, painless push)
(S)he filled my days with endless wonder (Babies do that)
(S)he took my childhood in (her) stride
But (s)he was gone when autumn came (She turned to a boy at the end of my dream)

And still I dream (s)he'll come to me (I really want a painless birth)
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be (Thank heavens this is one of them)
And there are storms we cannot weather (Like next Monday it is supposed to be a high of 32)

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this birth I'm living (painless is the key)
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. (I'll still be happy even with a little, or a lot, of pain if it only takes one push :-)

Still a little sick

I think I've been feeling sicker with this baby. I have been having a sour stomach again, nothing sounds good to eat. Blah.

Especially
1. pumpkin cookies, and I LOVE pumpkin cookies
2. pizza
3. cereal
4. dinner

Maybe this means a girl.

Wonder of Wonders

My sweet Scott was all scheduled to have surgery last Thursday. We got up early and trekked southward to the hospital. Scott was nervous and tired and thirsty. We spent an hour-and-a-half there before deciding to wait 2 weeks to let his tonsils shrink and his throat un-swell to accommodate the trach tube. We got in the car and headed north again.

It was pretty quiet on the way home. Scott wasn't asleep though. We had talked for a while, and I'd ascertained that he was glad the day of reckoning was delayed. As we drove along in the too quiet car, I decided to put on some music. We happened to have Fiddler on the Roof in the cd player. Scott is in love with that cd. He especially likes the song Wonder of Wonders. So I turned it on and fast forwarded to track 6. "It was a miracle," it started. Scott immediately perked up, smiled, and started singing along. I immediately started smiling too.

We listened to it again.

And again.

We talked about the miracles in the song. I thought about the miracles in my life. I thought about him, his desires, his loves, his less than sweet habits, his possibilities. I know I can't give him everything, but I can give him a smile. And in that moment when I saw him smile, I was as happy as I could be. I was full. In giving him happiness, my happiness was complete. I realized (again) just what a miracle and blessing parenthood is.

And as the song ended "But the most miraculous thing of all. . .God has given you to me," I agreed. Scott, and my other kids and my growing baby are the most miraculous things of all my life and I am so happy that God has given them to me.

16 weeks and 90 minutes

I had my 16ish week appointment today. I was there 90 minutes. Andrew was there with me. He was perfect. Not one whine. Baby was there too. His/her heart was beating hard, taking all my nutritous Halloween candy to his developing brain! We saw our midwife for about 7 minutes I would guess, including her leaving to find a doppler thing. Which was fine. On my fifth go around, I pretty much understand what to expect and what my body is doing to torture me.

Four more weeks and we'll know if it will be pink and calm or blue and wild (that is how it works, right?). The day before Thanksgiving is the big ultrasound day.

Love you

Dear little 5th child,

I love you. I really do. I'm sorry that I can't lay around all day, nap and dream of you. I'm busy.

But I wish I wasn't.

I'm just getting you ready for our family. Just like you are preparing me for you by sending me to the bathroom multiple times a night, I'm hoping to break you in slowly. We all love each other a lot here. We will baby you and spoil you, I promise. Maybe not as much as Dawn, but look how she turned out :-). But we are a bit busy. It's fun, you'll see.

Can't wait to meet you. Send a postcard.

Love, Mom

A knot in my stomach

When I lay on my tummy, one of two things happen.

One, if I'm on a soft surface, my bed or a couch, I feel fine.

Two, if I'm on the floor, I feel a knot in my stomach that hurts. It's a baby, and it's growing!

Feelin' groovy

I've been putting off this post just in case it would jinx me. But I seem to be doing better. About a week ago, I woke up feeling a little bit energetic, like enough to get off the couch and maybe buy some diapers. But I was worried that it wouldn't last.

But my luck has held. I've felt more energetic and my stomach less sour. I wouldn't say I'm ready for a marathon, but I did walk to my girls' school to take them a forgotten lunch.

This 13th week is off to a good start.