Life

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life flowing through
Another

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life sustaining
Another

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life becoming
Another

Even the 1-year-old

Just now my sweet little Charity was busy wiping things down (she loves a good washcloth or wet wipe), when she spread the washcloth out on her tummy and said surprisingly clearly, "pregnant!"

How in the world did she know that word? How did she pick up that I am pregnant? I don't know, but she is sure a cutie!

All over again

Do I really want to do this all over again? Yes I do. Well, have my 6th baby, that is. I'm not sure I want to blog about it. Last time it wasn't too interesting or consistent. But since I don't journal that well, I'm going to give this a go.

I found out I was pregnant after only about 2 weeks, before I missed my period, because I was having some serious and unusual pains. I went in and found out all was well, no ectopic pregnancy etc. I also found out I was pregnant, which I suspected and why I was worried about the pain. I had a slight UTI, and so the doctor gave me a prescription. I was pretty doubtful. I've had my share of bladder infections, and trust me, this didn't feel anything like them. It felt like my uterus was going to fall out.

But I took the pills and about a week later I was all better. At least the pain was better. I felt happy as can be the whole time. I couldn't stop smiling. I can't wait to welcome another sweet, pure, innocent, perfect and totally unique child into our family.

And so our due date is August 2, and we are waiting. Waiting to get rid of the sick stomach all day long. Waiting to have enough energy to dry my hair after I shower. Waiting to tell all my friends (loved ones already know.)

Pregnancy is a lot of waiting for me. But less so than that first baby. After a week or two during this pregnancy, (before I felt sick, which always keeps the pregnancy in mind) I found myself only remembering that I was pregnant morning and night when I'd pray for health and strength and a healthy little baby to grow.

Now I wish I'd appreciated those days more. I was wondering if something was wrong because I didn't feel ANYTHING for so long. But the lovely sickness came, and there was no miscarriage. And now I'm 12 weeks along and feeling a little better (maybe?).

So far, so good.

Movement

As I lay on my floor today, looking at a book, I could feel my baby growing, small and hard inside. And then, I could feel that sweet body moving!

What a glory life is!

Busy

I'll see you in a while; let you know how things went. Until then, I'm busy.

Can I see your tummy?

About a month ago, Andrew developed a keen interest in my tummy. He always wants to see my tummy. This must be bare skin. So I untuck, uncover and let him see my baby bump. He rubs it and kisses it and lays his head on it. It's very endearing.

Once, several weeks ago, he was seeing my tummy when he hopped down off the couch. He took a few running steps, paused to turn around and said to me sternly,
"Don't go away."

He kept his eyes on me as he took a few steps, "Don't go." And off he ran. It was clear that I was NOT to put my tummy away. He came back in a few seconds with a wet wipe from his room. He hopped up on the couch and started wiping my tummy. He kept at it for quite some time, till the wipe was all dried up.

This became a new tradition. Andrew would ask to see my tummy, I'd whip it out, he'd run for a wipe and clean me off. It is quite cute and sweet although I'm not sure what he thinks he's cleaning.

A few days ago, I was straitening up the nursery for our imminent arrival when I found this stash:

I'm hoping they are just nice and clean from my tummy, but I'm not taking any chances.

5 weeks and counting

Here's how it feels to be me:

I am dead tired by 8 P.M., ready to sleep all night.
I am still tired at 7 A.M., but my body doesn't want to be in bed anymore, it's sore.
My hips are all loose and my back is all tight.
I can't eat much, my stomach resides somewhere between my spleen and my trachea.
To kneel and pray, my legs have to be spread out to make room for my tummy.
Sitting down and bending over to put on kids' shoes, just not happening.
I really want to eat pumpkin bread, I really don't want to eat dinner.
At 4 P.M. I often need a time out for crankiness and a nap.
My stomach is practicing with little hick-up contractions.
I cry over ruined dinner and spend the night hiding in my room.
I can't wait to have this little girl come meet us, but I'm worried that I'm not ready yet either.

Carefree charity

The other day I was slightly (ever so slightly) raising my voice to get the attention, change the behavior or just voice my displeasure of one of my already birthed children for the millionth time. It wasn't the most charitable moment of parenting. Just then I felt our little un-birthed girl give a little kick. It gave me cause to ponder.

Feeling her move reminded me of a wholely unslefish act, a nine month trip down maternity lane, that I started four months ago. I was grateful for the reminder. Even as I was being uncharitable from my own mouth, my body was giving its all for someone else in complete charity. I can be good and giving person. It just happens to be easier when you only have to make one decision and it gives you nine whole months of good acts!

Baby spirits

After Scott's surgery, I was holding him as he slept off his anesthesia. He was in a bit of pain and not entirely happy. But for the moment he was sleeping. As I rested, I could feel his heart beating on my stomach. I thought about when I could hear my new baby's heartbeat emmanating from the same place. What happy thoughts and feelings.

My mind flitted to surgery. I wondered if Scott's angel Grandpa was perhaps with him through surgery. It made me happy to think that. Just then, under Scott's leg, I felt a strong kick and movement that lasted several minutes. I haven't felt the baby move like that ever. The thought occured to me that maybe Scott's little brother or sister was there with him instead. It seemed right.

Who knows? Maybe those we guard through life were guarding us first.

Wonder of Wonders

My sweet Scott was all scheduled to have surgery last Thursday. We got up early and trekked southward to the hospital. Scott was nervous and tired and thirsty. We spent an hour-and-a-half there before deciding to wait 2 weeks to let his tonsils shrink and his throat un-swell to accommodate the trach tube. We got in the car and headed north again.

It was pretty quiet on the way home. Scott wasn't asleep though. We had talked for a while, and I'd ascertained that he was glad the day of reckoning was delayed. As we drove along in the too quiet car, I decided to put on some music. We happened to have Fiddler on the Roof in the cd player. Scott is in love with that cd. He especially likes the song Wonder of Wonders. So I turned it on and fast forwarded to track 6. "It was a miracle," it started. Scott immediately perked up, smiled, and started singing along. I immediately started smiling too.

We listened to it again.

And again.

We talked about the miracles in the song. I thought about the miracles in my life. I thought about him, his desires, his loves, his less than sweet habits, his possibilities. I know I can't give him everything, but I can give him a smile. And in that moment when I saw him smile, I was as happy as I could be. I was full. In giving him happiness, my happiness was complete. I realized (again) just what a miracle and blessing parenthood is.

And as the song ended "But the most miraculous thing of all. . .God has given you to me," I agreed. Scott, and my other kids and my growing baby are the most miraculous things of all my life and I am so happy that God has given them to me.

Love you

Dear little 5th child,

I love you. I really do. I'm sorry that I can't lay around all day, nap and dream of you. I'm busy.

But I wish I wasn't.

I'm just getting you ready for our family. Just like you are preparing me for you by sending me to the bathroom multiple times a night, I'm hoping to break you in slowly. We all love each other a lot here. We will baby you and spoil you, I promise. Maybe not as much as Dawn, but look how she turned out :-). But we are a bit busy. It's fun, you'll see.

Can't wait to meet you. Send a postcard.

Love, Mom

Our secret is out!

Last night we had a surprise party. I made chocolate chip cookies. We had the kids come in (from some fun and frolicking outside) and get into their pjs. Speaking of pjs, if you have kids and don't have the book Pajama Time! by Sandra Boynton, you should get it before your next bedtime! Matt told them that they had a surprise for them.

Well, all it takes to get a 4 or 6 year old heart pitter-pattering is mention of a surprise. Rachel (#2) and Scott(#3) came scurrying in asking what I was making. Was that the surprise? Andrew(#4) was carried in and was his happy usual self. Dawn(#1) had already questioned her dad if it was a surprise like a toy surprise or a surprise like Mom was pregnant or something! Well, that did steal our thunder a bit.

After everyone was be-jamma-ed we sat down for scripture reading. Matt read a special scripture for the occasion. Do you know the one where Nephi is trying to figure out what the tree in his vision meant? The angel shows him a vision of the virgin Mary bringing the Christ child into the world as a innocent baby. And then he knows. The tree bearing the white fruit was the love of God. How wonderful and touching that symbol is. Having had 4 sweet children pass from heaven to earth through my body, I know the sweetness, even wholeness, that is birth, that is love. Matt loved these scriptures before I did, but they hold a place in both of our hearts now.

After finishing the scripture story, Dawn and Rachel were pretty sure what was going on. We announced that next year at Easter time we would be having a new baby join our family! The kids were all excited. Dawn seemed genuinely touched with tears welling up in her eyes. Rachel was excited too. Either Rachel or Scott piped up with, "remember that we got presents when Andrew was born!" Joy, a new baby and a present. How much better can it get!

After swearing our kids to secrecy, we kissed them all soundly and sent them to bed, after they were plastered with gooey chocolate chip cookies that is.

So now Rachel thinks I'm showing all ready. I sadly explained that I would not be showing for several months if all goes well. She replied that I better not eat any sweets for the rest of the week. My only solace came as she quipped as she skipped out the door that daddy better, too. It could be a contest. She has also been the one to continually pat my tummy today and smile at me. Dawn will smile at me knowingly or say she can't believe I'm pregnant. The boys don't seem too affected. And that is fine. I'm sure it will start affecting them sooner than they would like.

So now instead of a two person, very secure secret, we have a more jubilant and significantly less stable 6 person secret. Aren't families warm and comforting?