How Sick Am I Really?

Every pregnancy I ask myself the same question about 2 or 3 months into things. Do you really feel as lousy as you think you do? Or are you just being a baby? being selfish and trying to get yourself a break? And then after I have the baby, I realize that I was indeed feeling lousy, because I can feel the difference so quickly.

Right now, I feel sick. I feel tired and devoid of energy and drive. Later I feel sore. My feet go numb when I get one minute into my prayers. My back aches (and aches for another good rub).

It's okay. I'm getting used to it. I feel sick and tired and a little bit guilty when I do. If women could cross the plains, feed their families, run a farm and tend to all the work all through pregnancy, what am I doing on the couch? Well, if a woman could sit on the couch and still have dinner, clean kids and clothes, I'm guessing she would have.

At least that is what I'm telling myself for the next 6 months.

Life

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life flowing through
Another

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life sustaining
Another

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh
The most beautiful sound
My life becoming
Another

All over again

Do I really want to do this all over again? Yes I do. Well, have my 6th baby, that is. I'm not sure I want to blog about it. Last time it wasn't too interesting or consistent. But since I don't journal that well, I'm going to give this a go.

I found out I was pregnant after only about 2 weeks, before I missed my period, because I was having some serious and unusual pains. I went in and found out all was well, no ectopic pregnancy etc. I also found out I was pregnant, which I suspected and why I was worried about the pain. I had a slight UTI, and so the doctor gave me a prescription. I was pretty doubtful. I've had my share of bladder infections, and trust me, this didn't feel anything like them. It felt like my uterus was going to fall out.

But I took the pills and about a week later I was all better. At least the pain was better. I felt happy as can be the whole time. I couldn't stop smiling. I can't wait to welcome another sweet, pure, innocent, perfect and totally unique child into our family.

And so our due date is August 2, and we are waiting. Waiting to get rid of the sick stomach all day long. Waiting to have enough energy to dry my hair after I shower. Waiting to tell all my friends (loved ones already know.)

Pregnancy is a lot of waiting for me. But less so than that first baby. After a week or two during this pregnancy, (before I felt sick, which always keeps the pregnancy in mind) I found myself only remembering that I was pregnant morning and night when I'd pray for health and strength and a healthy little baby to grow.

Now I wish I'd appreciated those days more. I was wondering if something was wrong because I didn't feel ANYTHING for so long. But the lovely sickness came, and there was no miscarriage. And now I'm 12 weeks along and feeling a little better (maybe?).

So far, so good.

Busy

I'll see you in a while; let you know how things went. Until then, I'm busy.

39 weeks and counting. . .

. . .the hours!

So here you are, a nice picture of my new haircut and my growing tummy. Matt didn't exactly get all the tummy glory here, but you get the idea.



I'm contracting fairly often, but certainly not regularly. Almost every time I stand up from sitting I have one. On Sunday and Monday my biggest problem was a terrible kink in my neck that I woke up with. With no Tylenol in sight, I suffered through the day. I finally got some yesterday, and have been doing better. I also got some Tylenol PM and slept for a solid 4 hours last night before starting my every hour vigil.

I was really hoping to birth this girl this week, but I'm not feeling it. I was on Sunday, but things seem to be mellowing.

Head down, bum up

Almost 38 weeks and. . .

Head down, bum up (or at least kind of sideways) And if you don't know what this alludes to, you cannot claim to have been educated in the 80's, or at least not in rural Idaho. Or YOU WOULD KNOW!

Sciatic nerve: acting up
girl nursery deco: going up
clean baby girl clothes: still down (as in the basement)
pre-registered at the hospital: down with that, as in oh yeah, I did that

That's about it.

Nightmares

You know you're pregnant when:

Tuesday night you dream about your daughter leaning too far over a railing on a many decker boat and she falls down and bounces on the wood floor below as you watch screaming, and try to run down the stairs to her as fast as you can. And then. . .

Wednesday you dream about looking out a window up high and seeing people jumping to their doom over a large bridge and you shout out to them to not, but they do anyway. And then you see a mom lift her daughter's legs over and dump her while she clings to the rail for her life and she doesn't listen to your pleading either. And then. . .

Thursday you dream that you are in a nice hotel with your family and all of a sudden a gaggle of police descend to make a drug bust and your family is in the middle of it and hears the shooting and sees the blood and the bodies/people lined up by the policemen to be taken in.

But the real nightmare is that you went for an appointment and the midwife said that your baby is so advanced that she has flipped around and instead of living upside down for the next month she is trying her hand at tap dancing on your bladder instead and you realize that you are going to have to lay upside down with all the blood rushing to your head and your back hurting, and your stomach cramping many times a day just to try and get the little rascal upside down again. Sighhhh.

She's breach.

Choosing a name

Still no name. Still avoiding the issue. Read a rousing rehearsal of the whole ordeal here.

Losing my mind

Today I went to see my midwives. I ended my Primary meeting early, dropped Scott off at preschool, bundled Andrew up and was off. I got there, signed in and gave them my little sample. I sat down and was soon called over to the front desk.

"Brooke, I don't have you down for an appointment until the 19th."

"Ooooh."

"We're really busy and I don't think I can squeeze you in today. I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I really don't need one (or want one)."

"Let me write you out an appointment card."

"Thanks, I apparently need one."

We get back in the car and head home. Duh.

Pregnancy will do that to you. Never mind that I checked the calendar about 5 times. Never mind that I was there just LAST WEEK!

Oh well, at least I didn't have to wait long today.

Patterns of x and y

Long ago Matt's parents became aware that we were following there pattern for marriage and family quite closely. Our ages are 3 years apart. We had two boys first and then two girls. But we have outgrown them.

This weekend my mom realized that we were completely opposite (at least child-wise) from my parents. They went boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl. We have been, girl, girl, boy, boy, girl. We only need a last boy to complete the reversal.

All I have to say is, that is a lot of x's and y's.

Dreams

I dreamed a dream in days gone by (last night)
That hope was high
And life worth living (I had my baby without any pain)
I dreamed that love would never die (I was in a hospital room that looked like a bathroom and had the same goldish linoleum as my Mom's bathroom, speak of love never dying)
I dreamed that God would be forgiving (I was giving birth in a bathroom remember)


Then I was young and unafraid (I had no husband there and no doctor)
And dreams were made and used and wasted (like the strip of toilet paper the janitor draped over the drawers to keep things clean)
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted (hmmm, I don't drink wine, just whine)


But the tigers come at night (It was day acutally)
With their voices soft as thunder (the nice janitor girl mopping the floor with my old blue mop was pretty nice)
As they tear your hope apart (I realized I was already having the baby, half of her was out, the bottom half. She was reaching her hands onto my tummy and patting her still un-birthed head)
And they turn your dream to shame (I'm ashamed I just admitted that freaky part of my dream)


He slept a night by my side (Actually it was a girl baby and she was just fine after one nice, painless push)
(S)he filled my days with endless wonder (Babies do that)
(S)he took my childhood in (her) stride
But (s)he was gone when autumn came (She turned to a boy at the end of my dream)

And still I dream (s)he'll come to me (I really want a painless birth)
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be (Thank heavens this is one of them)
And there are storms we cannot weather (Like next Monday it is supposed to be a high of 32)

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this birth I'm living (painless is the key)
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. (I'll still be happy even with a little, or a lot, of pain if it only takes one push :-)

Enjoying it

I am officially going to start enjoying sitting on the couch, reading or blogging, taking a nap or just hanging out instead of doing all the stuff my stomach doesn't seem up to. All that stuff sounds fun right, well, starting today I'm going to enjoy it. I might as well. I won't be enjoying a clean house anytime soon!

Let the appointments begin. . .

I went in for my "orientation"/sign up appointment Monday. I was there an hour doing paperwork, blood and other bodily fluid work. Blah. I waited 20 minutes just to drop off my pee (and get blood drawn). Doctor (or midwife) appointments are not my favorite part of pregnancy. Could it be the endless waiting room minutes, or the endless half naked minutes on a very uncomfortable table in an appointment room waiting for my nurse midwife to examine all my pregnancy glory or the endless search for babysitters so my two boys don't have to make the endless minutes turn into near eternity?

So now I am official, kind of. I will be back next Monday and will hopefully hear a little heartbeat, a decidedly happy part of any appointment. Let's pray there aren't two. (Did I mention that I dreamt that I was having twins? It was undeniably a nightmare of drastic proportions. Twins for children 5 and 6? Ahhhh! Did I mention my dear aunt has twins for number 8 and 9 and still had a number 10? And do you know that I like endless parenthetical comments?)

P.S. I am now officially due on April 8, or was it April 5? I'm sticking to my original date of April 6. Maybe I should choose another day. No one else seems to agree, date wheels, nurses, my own rich and full BSN education, so who cares.

Why do we wait?

I'm starting to let the news leak out. It is fun to tell. People are always happy to hear. And they ask how you are like they really care all about your morning stomach woes, and they smile at you, and they ask about your future.

So why do women like to wait as long as possible to spill the beans? I know, there is the possible miscarriage and "the longer people know and keep asking, the longer those 9 months will seem" excuse. I feel some satisfaction from hearing a person say, "4 months along! I had no idea! You look great!" But as I think about it, doesn't that just mean you always look 4 months pregnant? Hmmm.

So, I'm trying not to care. Society just seems to frown on that course of action. But the truth is, if you know why I am wearing less makeup, more sweats, my house is less clean and I put off more things, then I'll feel less embarrassed and guilty when I see you next. EVERYONE, I'M PREGNANT!

Getting cranky

There is no way to get around it, I am more cranky when I am pregnant. Is it because all my patience is being used up on dividing cell after cell after cell? Or is it because I don't feel so great and am constantly tired?

All I know is that I feel sorry for my husband and kids. And how's this, I will do my best to suppress my grumpiness knowing that it isn't you, it's me, or maybe the ball of cells rapidly dividing in my uterus. And will you please just smile and laugh together after I leave the room for a time out?

Thanks, I need that.